Mea Culpa
by Designation Kik
Summary: Isabella Marie Cullen has been immortal for five months, one week, and four days when she commits her first murder. One-shot


_The next chapter of Lionesses and Little Rams is coming, but this has been sitting on my computer for a few months with me unsure as to how to end it... I basically gutted my original ending and added like 50 more words and really liked it. I'm experimenting with a first-person that's a little closer, a little more stream-of-consciousy than my usual work. __Let me know what you think :). Update for LLR should be up before the end of the weekend. Enjoy!  
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_Mea Culpa_

We shouldn't have been there. At the end of the day, when all was said and done, that fact still haunted me. _I_ should not have been there.

Edward was being sweet, trying to sooth me after the months of tension that had ruled our lives, so we left Nessie with Jake for the night and took off into the forest hand in hand. Date night. Edward lead me in circles as we ran, laughing, trying to confuse me. "I want it to be a true surprise," he murmured against my lips when I whined, turning the full weight of his eyes on me. I agreed breathlessly.

I was ecstatic when we reached our destination, a large field full of parked cars with a screen set up at one end. "Drive in movie, sans the driving," he'd said, hugging me from behind. It was perfect. With all of the humans sealed into their cars, Edward and I were able to enjoy the movie painlessly. We tucked ourselves into the upper branches of a nearby tree and snuggled and completely ignored the movie. Edward's lips were much more interesting. Afterwards, I felt so happy and free. After months of feeling trapped in the house and tied to a ticking clock, all I wanted was to run.

So we did.

We streaked through the forest like spirits, soundless but for our peals of laughter. Tag. Edward was it. I was still stronger, but Edward was just too fast and I was losing. Through the trees, I glimpsed a group of dark, squat buildings and veered toward them with a smirk. Edward questioned me, but I ignored him. I cleared the chain-link fence in a single bound and turned to face him with a triumphant smirk.

"Bella… what are you doing?" He wanted to disapprove; I could tell by his tone, but he leaned casually against the fence and gave me my favorite crooked smirk and I knew I wasn't really in trouble. I braced my hands on the fence and stuck out my chest invitingly.

"Who me?" I purred. Edward's smile widened and he shifted closer. It was heaven, feeling the power, knowing that I was the one who made him want to draw near. "Cheating."

I took off again, glancing over my shoulder just in time to see him execute a neat somersault over the fence. I redoubled my speed. I should have known that there was no use. Edward was every bit as competitive as I was.

He tackled me, locking both of my wrists in one of his. My head hit something as we fell, but by then, Edward's lips were moving against mine in the most delicious of ways. Neither of us thought anything of the crash, or the buzz of Edward's phone in his pocket. He glanced at the caller ID once, rolled his eyes, and ignored the call. "Just Alice," he said in between sloppy kisses down my neck. We should have known when she called again, but by then Edward had undone the button on my jeans and was working on the zipper.

"We'll call her back," I told him. Edward started to chuckle, but then froze, listening to something I couldn't hear. He sighed and, before I could blink, shifted us so that I was cradled in his arms. I groaned, but he just shushed me and drew back farther into the shadows, just as a beam of light hit the spot where we had just laid.

"Now you've done it," he muttered. "You've woken the security guard…"

I didn't even hear his voice.

There was something in the air, something hot and spiced, like pure cinnamon. The scent was tainted slightly with chemicals, but it wasn't— _couldn't_— be masked completely. I'd never encountered anything like it before. It was more than delicious, it was pure desire that buried itself in my veins. The pain wasn't just flames in my throat; it was cramps in my stomach, itching under my skin. And it was so _thick_. I could practically taste it on my tongue…

I so desperately wish that I had acted before I could think, or that the lust had overcome me. But I _did_ think. I thought about the power that we held, not just as vampires, but as a family. I could take this blood with no more than the strength in my little finger. Carlisle's power and influence, Edward and Alice's knowledge, and the rest of my family's cunning could make it so that my crime had never happened. I remember thinking that clearly as I sank my teeth into his neck. _It'll be like it never happened._

The blood was indescribable. There was nothing like it in either my human or immortal life to compare it to. It was the perfect temperature, hot on my tongue, but not scalding. It had the richest, most decadent of tastes, but each gulp led me to crave more. And more came. The human gave a weak gurgle, but I could barely hear it over the rushing in my ears. I'd never imagined the _pleasure_ that came from human blood. The feeling shot down my throat, into my chest, spreading warmth from there. My fingertips tingled, my back arched of its own accord, and there was a familiar, heavy warmth pooling in my belly. _Desire._ My thoughts ran tightly in circles, chasing and catching and wrestling each other, biting at their own tails. Only one stood still long enough for me to understand it. _More_. The rest were just a blur.

It doesn't matter to me how long the drinking took. What matters is that eventually the body ran dry and Edward curled his long fingers around my upper arms gently.

"That's enough, Bella. It's all gone."

It was his tone that shook me, jolted me so thoroughly, that the thoughts paused and I could see them clearly. I was suddenly aware of the weight in my arms, of the clammy, play-doh texture of the skin beneath my fingers. The man had died-black hair and green eyes. He was very round and silent. I couldn't move.

"Come, Bella. We have to go."

…_understand why Edward's been holding out on me. Why didn't he tell me the blood was so good…? _

…_if Alice saw this coming. Did she know…?_

…_will be bad if he had a huge family or something. Hopefully, he was just some security guard…_

One by one, my thoughts bubbled to the surface, as if spoken by someone else. I held so still. I could feel another one, huge, scorching, with edges that ripped like a saw, surging to the surface, shifting my thoughts around, pushing its way to the forefront. I didn't want it there. I struggled to hold it back, but touching it made it stronger and more true.

"Come away, Bella. There's nothing we can do."

The thought had grown too huge, too ambitious. It surged up my throat, spilled from my lips. _"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…"_ There was a little square button gleaming on the guard's shirt. William Dowden, it said. Edward slid his hands down my arms and rested his hands over mine, gently prying my fingers away. William Dowden hit the ground with a solid thud.

"He's dead."

I don't remember which of us said it. I remember that I drew away, backwards into Edward's arms. I couldn't look away until he forced me, turning my face into his chest. He kept saying my name, over and over again until it ran together and sounded like nonsense, like a jumble of sounds. Soon there was the sound of footsteps, too light and quick to cause panic, but fleet enough for shame. Emmett and Jasper. They cleared the fence without a problem, but stopped just short of us.

"Shit," Emmett said finally. "At least she was clean…"

Edward rumbled deep in his chest and I shivered. He tightened his hold on me. "Alice sent you." It wasn't a question. He sighed. "Where did you leave the car?" No one spoke, but a moment later, he nodded at an answer that I couldn't hear and began towing me back into the forest. He pulled me along for only a few seconds before he was guiding me into the passenger side of the Volvo, telling me to buckle up. He was in his seat and pulling onto the road before I had moved, so I just kept my hands in my lap. He didn't speak to me as he drove and he didn't look at me either. I stared at my hands and held my breath because they still smelled like human.

I felt strange. I was too light on the inside, as if someone had hollowed me out, and made my shell thicker on one side than the other. Shouldn't I feel something? Shame? Disgust? Pity? Wasn't this my darkest nightmare come true? My deepest fear: that I would become a monster. It was laid out before me and instead of terror, I just felt numb and off-balance. I tried to understand it as we drove, but even my thoughts were too slow and dull to form properly. I was empty.

Then, I turned to try to say something to Edward, but before I could even open my mouth I caught a glimpse of my reflection in his window. I clapped a hand over my mouth to catch the shriek that surged up from my chest. Edward was on me in an instant, his hands soothing over my cheeks, stroking my hair, cupping my face. He pressed his face against mine and began to chant my name again.

"I can't go in," I whispered. I wanted to beg him to understand, but it was all I could do to force those words past my lips. It was bad, this emptiness. It allowed too much room in my head. There was nothing there, no thought or emotion, to keep the panic from filling me up. Edward kissed my forehead and then made shushing noises against my skin.

"It's okay, love," he murmured. "It'll be okay. They're our family." He wasn't listening, he didn't know. I pressed my hands against his cheeks, trying to make him understand me. I threw back the blanket of my mind, leaving my thoughts bare and naked for him to see. He paused just long enough for me to draw a ragged breath and then his hands were moving through my hair again.

"They'll see. They'll see," I whimpered, thinking of my eyes, and of Jane's eyes as they threw agony at our family across a field of snow, and of how they were the same. Edward shuddered and put his hand over my mouth.

"Put it back, please," he said in a strained voice. I obediently let my shield settle back into place, convinced that he had understood and was ready to take me away. He sighed when it was done and took my hands, pressing my fingers to his lips.

"Come now, Bella, we're going inside," he said. Another whimper escaped me and I tried to pull my hands away, but he held them tightly, staring hard into my eyes. "Please trust me." I could never resist him. I nodded. Edward got out of the car and came around, at a human speed, to open my door. Normally, I would be out before he could make it to tease him and his Victorian sensibilities, but tonight, I let him beat me to it. He took my hand to pull me from the car and I clung to the connection, unwilling to let him too far away.

Our entire family was assembled in the living room by the time we arrived, except for Jasper and Emmett and (thankfully) Jacob and Renessmee. I turned my gaze down to the carpet as soon as we rounded the corner, wishing that I could pretend not to feel their accusatory glares.

"Alice told us what happened." I couldn't help but flinch at Carlisle's soft tone, at the reminder that he was here, that he knew my shame. "Emmett and Jasper are taking care of it. Alice says that we will not be suspected that that we won't have to move as long as we remain careful."

I let the silence in the room stretch, staring at the crevices in Edward's sneakers. I could feel his eyes on me. Suddenly, someone in the room shifted and Esme's sweet scent was drifting closer. I knew without a doubt that I would lose it if I felt her cool, smooth arms around me. I shot Edward a pleading look, whirled on the spot, and shot up the stairs to Edward's old room, our room on those few occasions when we stayed in the main house or Nessie felt like sleeping over. I shoved the door shut harder than I'd meant to and stayed there, face pressed against the thick, wood door. It was solid maple, maybe two or three inches thick. I could snap it in two with my fingers, the way I would break a cracker in my human life. I took a shuddering breath. The scent of William Dowden was faint on my skin.

I slapped my hand against the door, feeling the wood cave in around my palm. My skin was as hard and cold as granite. I knew what it would feel like to fall from the window, the impact would be nothing more than a touch. A bullet would only crumple against my temple. No matter how long I starved myself, he would still be in me. I could go without breathing for years and still have his scent in my nostrils.

Suddenly, there were tiny hands around my arms shaking me. There was a moment of panic in which I imagined long, bronze hair and wide chocolate eyes, but then I blinked and I saw Alice's furious ones instead.

"I _will not_ watch anymore, Bella Cullen, do you understand me?" Alice snarled.

What would it be like to jump into a fire? Could I use my own teeth and venom to rip the numbness out of my hands? I curled my fingers into fists, eyeing them. I didn't know the first thing about building a fire…

Alice slapped my face. "Stop it!" Her voice was shrill. "Please, Bella, stop it. You're killing me! You're _breaking Edward's heart_!"

I stopped. Alice had never hit me before. The force of her blow, the sting of it, emptied my head. I stood still and breathed. I didn't feel empty anymore. With every breath, there was something awful filling me up that started in my chest and worked its way outward from there. I sank down to the floor slowly. The strength in my legs was making me sick.

"Alice," I said, touching my cheeks with my fingertips. They were dry, chiseled, beautiful. "Alice," I wailed, my fingers sliding into my hair, gripping hard. Alice's eyes were heartbreaking because they were understanding and helpless. Alice couldn't take it away. She couldn't make my body tremble or cry or ache. There was no punishment to be given. "I _killed_ a man, Alice." I wanted to say it so that I could hear it, because I didn't want to hear it and I had no right, at the moment, to anything I wanted. Alice's face crumpled and she drew me into a hug.

"It'll be okay, Bella," she said. I clutched her and sobbed because I knew that she was right. One day, I would be just like Emmett or Jasper or Esme. I would forgive myself the way that they would forgive me and I would be a nice person and a murderer and a mother all in one.

This is what it meant to be a monster.


End file.
